You are not doing grief wrong: what the Dual Process Model really says
Why you can miss someone deeply, laugh with friends, avoid the subject, and return to it all in the same week.
There is a quiet pressure to grieve in a consistent way. People expect sadness to move steadily towards acceptance. So when you feel devastated one day and almost normal the next, it can feel confusing or even guilty.
The Dual Process Model of bereavement offers a more honest picture. It suggests that people move back and forth between facing the loss and facing the life that has changed around it. This movement is called oscillation. It is not a failure to process. It is often part of coping.
Two kinds of grief work
Loss-oriented coping is turning towards the person and the death: missing them, looking at photographs, talking about what happened, crying, feeling anger or yearning.
Restoration-oriented coping is turning towards the life that now has to continue: dealing with paperwork, a changed role in the family, work, friendships, a new routine, or a moment of distraction and pleasure.
You may move between both several times in a day. You might feel numb while doing something practical, then break down when you pass a place you used to go together. You might have a peaceful evening and feel guilty for it. Neither state proves how much you loved someone.
Why “moving on” is the wrong test
This model does not ask you to leave someone behind. It recognises that a death creates two realities: the relationship and the changed life around it. You are trying to carry both. For me, that has meant having moments of building Afterglow, travelling, laughing or planning the future, while still having nights where I am pulled straight back into the fact that Fahmida and Jabid are not here.
A life continuing is not evidence that grief is over. It is evidence that people can hold love and survival at the same time.
How to use this idea on a difficult day
Instead of judging the way you are coping, ask which side you are on right now. Do you need a moment to face the loss, or do you need permission to do something ordinary? Both answers can be kind. If you have been avoiding reminders for a long time because they feel unbearable, gentle professional support can help you approach them safely.
What the model cannot tell you
This is a model of coping, not a brain scan or a schedule. It does not require equal time on each side, and it does not establish that every distraction is helpful. A task can be useful respite; years of fear-driven avoidance may need professional support. Context matters.
A practical question is “What is one manageable demand today?” Sometimes that is speaking about the person. Sometimes it is renewing the car insurance. Neither proves how much you loved them.