What to write in a sympathy card, with example messages for every situation

Writing a sympathy card can be surprisingly difficult, even when you know the person well. You might write a sentence, cross it out and wonder whether anything you say will help. It does not need to be eloquent, and it does not need to fix anything. It only needs to let someone know you're thinking of them.

This guide is for what to write down. If you are wondering what to say out loud, or how to support someone in the weeks that follow, our piece on what to say to someone who is grieving covers that.

A shape that works

Most good cards do three small things:

1. Say you are sorry. Plainly. “I was so sorry to hear about your mum.”
2. Name them. Use the person’s name, and if you can, add one thing you remember or valued. It tells the reader their person is not forgotten.
3. Close gently. “I am thinking of you.” Or one specific offer they can accept or ignore.

Three or four lines is plenty. Write by hand if you can, and sign with your name even if you think they know who you are. If it's been weeks or months since the death, you can still write. You don't need a long explanation for the delay. A message saying you've been thinking of them can mean a lot when the first rush of contact has passed.

What to leave out

• “At least…” in any form. It asks the reader to look away from what hurts.
• “Everything happens for a reason”, and “they are in a better place”, unless you know it matches their beliefs.
• “I know exactly how you feel.” You do not, and neither do they yet.
• Questions about how they died.
• “Let me know if you need anything” on its own can put the burden of asking on someone who is already overwhelmed. If you can, offer something specific.

Example messages by situation

Change a word or two so that it sounds like you, and use the real name.

The death of a parent

“I am so sorry about your dad. I always remember how he waved from the front step until you were out of sight. I am thinking of you and your family.”

“Your mum was one of the warmest people I have met. I’m so sorry. You don’t need to reply, and I’m here whenever you want to talk about her.”

The death of a partner

Keep it quieter. The reader has lost the person who knew their days best.

“I am so sorry about Sam. I think of the two of you whenever I hear people laughing at their own jokes. I’m thinking of you today and in the weeks ahead.”

“I'm so sorry Sam has died. I was thinking of you both today. Could I give you a ring on Sunday? There's no need to answer if you don't feel up to it.”

The death of a child

You may worry especially about getting the words wrong here. You don't need to explain the loss or try to find a positive side. Use the child’s name if the family has shared it. Do not explain, compare, offer a reason or suggest that there will be another child. Do not mention an angel or a plan unless you know the family would welcome it. If it was a baby, say “your baby” if you do not know the name, and never rush past it.

“I am so sorry about Leo. I will always remember how he laughed at the dog. I’m thinking of you both, and I’m here.”

“I'm so sorry your daughter has died. I know how much you love her. I'm thinking of you and your family.”

“I was so very sorry to hear about your baby. I’m thinking of you and I’m here, whether you want to talk or want company in silence.”

An adult child is still a child. Write “I am so sorry about Ben” just as you would for a younger one.

The death of a friend

This could be to the friend’s family or to someone who was close to them.

“I'm so sorry about Hana. I'll really miss her. She always remembered what we had talked about the last time we met. I've been thinking about you and her family.”

“I know how much Joe meant to you. I’m so sorry. If you want to tell me stories about him, I will happily listen for as long as you like.”

A colleague, or a colleague’s loss

Keep it warm but not intrusive. Do not ask about the circumstances.

“I was very sorry to hear about your father. We are thinking of you. Please do not worry about replying to this message.”

“On behalf of everyone on the team, I’m so sorry about Mrs Clarke. She was always kind to the newest person in the room. We are thinking of her family.”

When you did not know them well

Say so, honestly. A short message is better than none.

“I didn’t know your mother well, but I know how much she meant to you. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.”

“We have only spoken a few times, but I wanted you to know I was sorry to hear about Pete. Please don’t feel you need to reply.”

The death of a sibling

Brothers and sisters can be part of someone's life from the very beginning. You don't need to assume that the relationship was easy or simple.

“I'm so sorry about your brother, Daniel. I remember meeting him at your birthday party and how much he made everyone laugh. I've been thinking about you.”

“I was really sad to hear about your sister. If you ever want to tell me about her, I'd like to listen. No need to reply to this.”

When the relationship was complicated

Try not to describe a parent or partner as wonderful if you know the relationship was difficult. You can be kind without inventing a closeness that wasn't there.

“I heard that your dad died. I know things weren't straightforward between you. I'm thinking of you, and I'm here if you'd like company this week.”

When the funeral was months ago

“I was looking at some photos from last summer and found one of Maya. It made me think of you. I hope it's all right that I'm writing now. I'd love to send you the photo if you'd like it.”

“I know it's been a while since I last checked in. I haven't forgotten about Chris. How have you been this week?”

A very short message when you barely know what to say

“I'm so sorry about your mum. Thinking of you.”

“I was sad to hear about James. Sending love to you and your family.”

These examples are fictional. Only mention a shared memory, a planned call or an offer of help if it's true and you can follow through.

If the death was sudden or by suicide

The same words work. Do not ask what happened or guess at a reason. Name the person, say you are sorry, and keep offering to listen. Our piece on living with questions after suicide loss may help you understand what the family is carrying.

If you are finding this hard yourself: in the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123 (free, any time), or you can text SHOUT to 85258. Elsewhere, a local crisis line can help.

After you've sent the card

You don't need to write another long message. A short text a few weeks later, a photo you find, or an invitation for a walk can be more useful than trying to say the perfect thing once. If you offer a visit or a meal, suggest a day and leave them room to say no.

The Cruse Bereavement Support guidance on what to say also has practical suggestions for checking in and listening.

When the card is not enough

A card is read, kept in a drawer, and sometimes opened again a year later. It is a good thing to send. If the person who died mattered to you too, you may want somewhere for your own memory of them to live. You can light a star for them, or light a candle and leave a memory on one their family has made. Others can add theirs, and the family decides what stays visible.

For other ways to keep someone present, see how to keep someone’s memory alive after they die.

If the card is still blank

Try this: “I was so sorry to hear about [name]. I've been thinking of you.” If you have a memory you'd like to share, add it. If not, you can sign your name and send it.