How to write a eulogy: a simple structure and short examples

You've agreed to speak at a funeral. Or perhaps you want to, but every time you sit down to write, you get stuck. How do you sum up someone you knew for years in a few minutes? You don't have to. A eulogy is a chance to tell the people in the room something true about them. It can be warm, funny, quiet or a mixture of all three.

This guide is for the spoken version. If you are writing something to be read or kept, such as a card or an order of service, how to write a memorial tribute for someone you love is a better fit.

Start with the practical questions

Before you write a word, ask whoever is leading the service:

• How long you have. Ask for a slot rather than guessing, because services differ.
• Who else is speaking, and in what order, so you do not all tell the same story.
• Whether the celebrant or officiant will cover dates, family and where they were born. If so, you do not have to.
• Whether there will be a lectern and a microphone, or whether you will be standing among people.

If you have a five-minute slot, you don't have to fill every second. As a rough guide, two minutes may be about 220 to 260 spoken words, three minutes about 330 to 390, and five minutes about 550 to 650. People speak at different speeds, especially at a funeral. Time yours by reading it aloud, and leave room for pauses.

Gather before you write

Do not begin with sentences. Begin with a page of loose notes. These questions tend to bring up the right material:

• What did you notice about them first?
• What did they do that nobody else did?
• What did they say so often that everyone could finish it?
• What did they teach you without meaning to?
• Where did you see them at their happiest?

If you can, ask two other people for one memory each. Check that they are happy for you to use it. A eulogy often lands best when the room hears something it did not know.

A structure that holds

1. Who you are. One sentence: your name and who they were to you.
2. A quick picture. A few concrete details that make them recognisable. Habits work better than adjectives.
3. One or two stories. This is the heart of it. A single clear scene does more than a list of virtues.
4. What they leave. What you, or the room, will keep: a way of doing things, a phrase, a kind of courage.
5. A goodbye. One sentence. You do not need a grand last line.

You can leave a step out or change the order. If you only manage steps one and three, that is a eulogy.

Short example passages

These are fictional. Borrow the shape, not the memories.

An opening, for a grandparent

“Good afternoon. I’m Priya, and Gran taught me to be stubborn about small things. I want to talk for a few minutes about a woman who kept an emergency biscuit tin in the airing cupboard and, as far as any of us can tell, never had an emergency.”

A story, for a friend

“Tom and I met on the first day of a job neither of us wanted. By lunchtime he knew where everyone was from. By Friday he knew who was struggling. He never made a speech about kindness. He just turned up with a spare charger and a question: ‘Do you want to talk, or do you want a sandwich?’ Most of us said sandwich. Most of us ended up talking.”

A middle section, for a colleague

“Mr Hughes ran the print room, which in an office this size made him the most important person in the building. He remembered whose deadline was real and whose was only loud. When I was new and frightened of the machines, he did not take over. He stood next to me, said ‘Press that one’, and let me feel clever.”

A closing

“We will miss her at every family gathering, especially when someone asks who brought the biscuits. Goodbye, Gran. Thank you for everything.”

A complete example eulogy

Here is a fictional eulogy for a grandfather. It shows how you might bring a few memories into one speech. Read it slowly and allow for pauses. The details are invented; replace them with what you actually remember about your person.

Hello everyone. I'm Ellie, Alan's granddaughter. Most of us here knew him as Grandad, so that's what I'm going to call him today.

Grandad was someone who liked a plan. He'd get to the railway station half an hour early, even though he only lived ten minutes away. If you were coming round for lunch at one, he'd have the table set by eleven. And if you arrived late, he'd tell you it was fine, then point at the clock.

When I was little, I thought everybody had a grandad who kept a tin of biscuits in the garage. I found out later it was mostly because he didn't want us eating them all before he got one. We'd sit on the step with a biscuit each while he told me what he was supposed to be doing in the garden. Usually he hadn't started it yet.

A few years ago my car broke down on the way home from work. I called him because I didn't know who else to ring. He came out in the rain, in that same old brown coat, with a flask of tea and some jump leads. He got the car going, then drove behind me all the way home to make sure I got there. He didn't say, “I told you to get the battery checked,” until we reached my front door. He said it twice after that.

He wasn't perfect. He could be stubborn, and he was terrible at admitting he was lost. But he was there. At school plays, on moving days, when you needed someone to feed the cat, or just when you needed a lift. I think a lot of us have stories like that.

I've been looking at old photos this week and I keep noticing the same thing. He's in the background of so many of them, making tea, holding somebody's bag or trying to get everyone to look at the camera.

I'm going to miss him very much. Thank you, Grandad, for looking after us in all those ordinary ways. We love you.

How the example fits together

• Opening: Who is speaking and who the person was to them.
• Details: The clock, the biscuit tin and the brown coat help people recognise him.
• A story: The broken-down car shows what he was like without listing his qualities.
• Goodbye: A simple ending, not a speech about what grief is supposed to mean.

Yours doesn't have to follow this exactly. If the person was difficult, private, very serious or nothing like this example, start with that truth instead.

Reading it on the day

A funny memory can belong at a funeral. You know the people who will be there, so use your judgement about what they would feel comfortable hearing. A laugh doesn't cancel out the sadness.

Write it the way you speak. Read it aloud, replace any sentence you would never say, and time it with your phone. Print it in large type with space between the lines, and mark where you might breathe. Bring water. Give a second copy to someone who can step in if you need them to.

If you cry, stop for a moment. If you cannot finish, someone else can read the rest. There is no requirement to get through it without emotion.

If it was complicated

You are allowed to give a limited, truthful eulogy. You can speak about the part of them you knew well and say nothing about the rest. You can also choose not to speak, and ask someone else.

If the death involved suicide or addiction, think carefully about what is appropriate to share publicly and speak with those closest to the person where possible. You do not have to explain the circumstances of the death. If you do refer to suicide, use straightforward, non-stigmatising language such as “died by suicide”, and avoid graphic details. Our piece on living with questions after suicide loss may help you or the people sitting in the room.

If you are struggling yourself: in the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123 (free, any time), or you can text SHOUT to 85258. Elsewhere, a local crisis line can help.

After the service

A funeral lasts an afternoon. The stories keep arriving afterwards: on the bus home, in a message a week later, from someone who could not be there. If you would like somewhere for your words to stay, and for other people to add theirs, you can light a star for them. Others can light a candle or leave a memory, and you decide what becomes visible. If you want help with the wording of a page, see what to write on an online memorial page.

If you haven't written anything yet

Write your name and your relationship to the person. Then jot down one small thing they did that you still remember. You have the start of a speech, even if it's only a few lines today.